


"You can have it. You know you can have it, Baz."

by angelsfalling16



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood Drinking, Dreams, Fluff, I'm not sure how else to tag this, M/M, SnowBaz, but in a dream, it's a kind of rewrite of a scene from the book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Simon dreams about Baz drinking his blood, and he imagines what happened with the Humdrum in the woods on Christmas day going a little bit differently…
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	"You can have it. You know you can have it, Baz."

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: This is my 100th fic posted on ao3!!

**Simon**

I can't stop dreaming about it.

I know that Baz would never agree to it. He's always so careful with me, not wanting to hurt me, but I trust him. I trust him with everything that I have, and I trust that he could do this without hurting me if he wanted.

The dream is the same most nights:

_It begins that fateful Christmas morning when I wake in Baz’s room to find him missing. I move through Baz’s house, following that familiar bad sucking feeling that only comes from the Humdrum out through the snow and into the private forest that lines one side of the Pitch Manor._

_I keep going, trying to push my magic down and ignoring the way that the tree branches scratch at my skin like fingernails. I barely feel it because all I can think about is the Humdrum and whether Baz is in danger._

_It’s while I’m talking to the Humdrum that I finally hear Baz, and without even casting a spell, my magic makes me glow bright, illuminating the space around me. But I still can’t see him. All I can imagine is that he’s somewhere in pain._

_“Simon?” A voice that is unmistakably Baz’s calls, and a small wave of relief rushes through me._

_“Baz?” I call, looking around for him. “Are you okay?”_

_He shouts my name and I finally catch sight of him, about twenty feet in front of me, clinging to a tree. The Humdrum has moved to sit in a tree above us, watching us with a wild grin like he’s simply a spectator of a sport and Baz and I are meant to be fighting each other._

_I won’t fight him, though, not anymore._

_I run towards him, calling out to him, and when he looks up, I can see that his eyes are so dilated that they’re almost fully black, and his fangs have filled his mouth._

_Every bone in my body is screaming at me to get away, to move towards safety, but I don’t listen to it, moving between the trees to get closer to him._

_Baz backs away though, shaking his head. “Something’s wrong. I’m hungry.”_

_“You’re always hungry.”_

_He shakes his head again, like he’s trying to shake something away. “It’s different. I saw a younger you in the forest. You looked just like you did when I first met you.” His eyes go distant for a moment as he thinks about it, but then the wild look is back. “At first, I thought you were_ dead _,” he growls, sounding almost choked as he says it. “I thought that it was a Visiting.”_

_“It wasn’t me,” I tell him, taking a careful step toward him in the way you would if you were trying not to startle a wild animal. “It was the Humdrum.”_

_Baz looks at me, but it’s like he looks right through me. He seems to be struggling, and I wish that I could help him._

_“You put your hand on my face, and you pushed it into me,” he says. I try to tell him that it wasn’t me, but he still steps backwards, away from me. “It wasn’t magic, though. It was like a void. You pushed it into me, and it pushed everything else out to make room for it.”_

_“Baz,” I say. “Let me help you.”_

_He shakes his head again and keeps shaking it, like he can’t really control it._

_I want to move closer, to help him, but I’m not sure how._

_The Humdrum speaks again, and he is standing behind Baz now. He reaches out to touch Baz’s spine as he says, “With creatures, all I have to do is take what I got and give it to them.”_

_Baz makes a whining sound that cuts me deep. He sounds so pained as he unfolds so much that his back arches._

_My hands shake with the need to do something, to help him, and my magic is flying off of me in sparks, uncontrollable._

_“What?” I ask the Humdrum. “What do you give them?”_

_He shrugs, something I do a lot, and I can see why people might get annoyed when I do it. “Nothing,” he says calmly, matter-of-factly. “I give them some of my nothing.”_

_Baz finally looks at me again, and he somehow looks even more wild than he did before. His fangs look more menacing, and there’s even less of him in his eyes as he takes a forced step forward._

_“Get away, Simon,” he warns. “I’m so hungry.”_

_I stand my ground. I won’t back away. Not now. Not ever. I will stand by Baz even if it is an immensely stupid thing to do. Even if it kills me._

_The Humdrum repeats the thing about how he gave Baz some of his nothing before continuing. “The creatures are drawn to the biggest something of all –_ you _. Which causes you to give me more nothing, and it’s like a game.”_

_I was right about him being a spectator. This is all just a game to him. My life, Baz’s life, all of it. It’s just some sick game where no one wins, and I don’t see a point to it. And I don’t know how to stop it._

_I don’t have long to think about it, though, because Baz continues to creep towards, but I continue to stand my ground._

_He yells at me to get away, telling me again that he’s hungry, but I don’t budge._

_“What are you hungry for, Baz?” I ask him._

_“For you!” He yells, like the words are ripped out of him. “For magic, for blood. For everything. “For you, for magic,” he repeats._

_A tree stands between me and Baz, and he rips it from the ground, tossing it aside. I freeze. Not in fear, but in a weird kind of awe._

_Baz charges at me, and I catch him as we roll to the ground. We struggle for a while, my magic working against his strength until I finally manage to grasp his face._

_“You can have it,” I tell him, holding his head back and trying to get him to meet my eyes. “You know you can have it, Baz.” Me, my magic, my blood. Anything. Everything. He can have whatever he wants from me._

_One hand grips his hair while the other cradles his jaw firmly, and I let go of my magic, pouring it into him. I push as much as I can into him. He can have it all if it will make him feel better._

_He makes a sound like a sob, and he stops trying to fight me. I can feel the emptiness inside of him, and I can feel my magic pouring into him and filling him up. It just keeps flowing. And flowing. Until Baz’s body starts to sag against mine._

_My magic fills him, but it isn’t enough this time._

_I can still feel an emptiness inside of him, a hunger, but it isn’t for magic anymore._

_Using my grasp on his hair, I push his face into my neck._

_“Take it,” I whisper. “Take whatever you need. You can have it.”_

_“No, Simon,” he says, his voice strained._

_“It’s okay,” I tell him. “I want you to have it.”_

_I can feel him try to fight it, fight the hunger that his body is still filled with, but he can’t fight it for long. He gives in, and the next thing I feel is the piercing of his fangs into my neck._

_I gasp, but it only hurts for a moment, the way a needle stings when it goes into you. Only this time it’s two needles, feeding on me, draining me of my blood. Then it starts to feel good almost._

_It’s a strange feeling, and I don’t have the words to describe it, but I know that Baz isn’t hurting me. He can’t hurt me. I’m giving it to him, giving him whatever he needs, and that is enough._

_I’m not sure how much time passes before he pulls away because I feel a little dizzy from the weird pleasure and drained feeling that I derive from him drinking from me. All I know is that I’m still alive when he manages to stop himself, pulling back and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand._

_I am alive, and so is he._

_His fangs slowly retract after a moment, and his cheeks flush a light shade of pink as he finally meets my eyes._

_“I’m sorry,” he says._

_“Don’t,” I say weakly. I’m tired after giving away some of my magic and my blood, but I feel good. “Don’t apologize.”_

_I pull him into my arms, ignoring whatever the Humdrum says next, and I press a kiss to his temple, trying to convey to him that it’s okay, that I’m not mad at him, that we’re both okay._

I usually wake up after that, and the dream is always the same. He always stops. He only takes what he needs and he doesn't turn me.

I believe that him drinking my blood would change things between us, but only for the better.

In the dream, it feels like it brings us close. So much closer than I'll ever be with anyone else. It creates a mix of love and trust and want. It’s amazing, and I want to experience it for real.

I look over at Baz who is still asleep, and I push a strand of hair out of his face.

I imagine telling him what I want, that I want him to bite me - not turn me but just taste me. I want him to know that I trust him to do this.

But I can already hear what he'll say. "No. It's too dangerous, Simon. I won't do that. I will never drink human blood." Then he'll turn away from me and be broody for the rest of the day.

There is only one way that he would ever drink my blood, and that’s if he was desperate enough. And even then, I would probably have to make him do it, just like I had to in the dream.

With a sigh, I let my eyes fall shut again. If I can't have what I want in real life, at least I am able to experience it in my dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


End file.
